Secret Squirrel On Politicians

The time has come for I ,Secret Squirrel, MRL member and politician, the rightwise M.P,(that’s Member Of Parlament in case you were unaware), for Her Majesty’s enclave in the colony of Canada, of Dunny On The Wold,elected by the voter
by a margin of 16,454 to zero,to comment on the quality of, meself being a politician, on the politicians of the day, on the politics of the day,and whom and what they exactly are, as being revealed by the events of the day.

Now let us consider the political issue of global warming.The politicians of the day generally stand against global warming, preferring the freezing effect of global cooling. Indeed, we, the people, are men indeed, and men in need, of global
warming, but the politicians of the day are anti global warming. Well if there was pasta,they’d be anti pasta, if there was pasto, they’d be anti-pasto, and they are,and the reverse when challenged on that,backwards,forward, inside,out,whenever as always, men for all season, men for all reasons, men for all the issues,pro and con, and at the reverse times, otherwise, to please yourself.

Are they doing anybody any favors? Are they for doing anybody any favours, except, of course for themselves and in the best interests of themselves?Indeed no. You see they wish to end global warming,as an examplary issue to be
considered. Now consider, the climate warms up, no more winter, no snow, no cold, year round warm,balmy(not barmy), temperatures, year round growing season for farmers, people would have food past their behinds, they would happily bask in the sun, enjoy swimming year round, no snow to shovel, no freezing cold to endure, a climate just like Australia. But do the politicians want that for you? Nay!Nay they say! Swinery it all is, they’re not in politics for you, they’re not doing you any favors. They claim that global warming will flood Holland.Well, it wouldn’t flood
anything else, so what of the Dutch, let’em learn to swim, let’em live in houseboats, or let’em immigrate to Australia,that’s the solution, and all would be well for we, the people.

Well what of the economy, where do the politicians stand on the economy?Right on top of it they say,getting to the bottom of it they say, top,bottom everything’s uncovered and the people get the shaft.I Squirrel in the course of my economic research discovered a direct an dindisputable correlation between the height
of skirts, and the economy.Short skirts great economy, long skirts bust economy, but did you see any politicians wearing skirts, short skirts in an attempt to get the economy to imporve, to wax fat, to grow, to expand? Nay, not they,except of course, for Sean Connery and the rest of the Scottish politicians,but then again they’re always running madly about in skirts.

Well now, what are then the actual components of being what they are,the politician? For one thing, politicians are never really for the people, they’re for themselves,very much you see, and for.those known as lobbyists, those
contributing to their campaign election fund, which politicians have learned how tap for various other things, such as junkets with their goumars or whatever their bedroom girlfriend intern groupie secretaries are called,buying a house out in the country, and apartment in the city etc etc etc. Of course this means these contributions are in fact, bribes.So you,the politician, work for their interests which is in your interest as they provide you will all that readily available and spendable money.If you get high enough, that’s also cash for honors,being a Honorable Member,the biggest member in the House so to speak,until the public decides to castrate you.

So what else are you, the politician? You,sir, are a liar, a pinnochio, or whatever it is called,your pants are on fire(also for any available interns or secretaries or whatever else happens along).If you want to get elected you have to say, or do, whatever it takes,and in and after the same fashion, to stay so. It helps to disregard the facts, disregard the truth, disregard right and wrong, disregard what’s good for the people you represent … and lie, lie, lie. Lying is what works. Lying is what gets you elected. And re-elected. A successful politician is a successful liar.

As a politician, rules and laws and morality do not apply to you. As a politician, feel free to do whatever you want; hire hookers, have affairs, hire a car and driver at taxpayers’ expense, go on expensive junkets at taxpayers’ expense, take bribes, drive drunk, cheat on your taxes and behave as badly as you wish. Not to worry, no matter what sins and crimes you commit, you won’t go to jail and you won’t lose your incredibly generous government pension and benefits. Remember, as a politician you are above the law. You don’t have to follow the laws… you MAKE the
laws!American politicians are most successful at it, openly so, in and about the media and the press, they are survivors, it is expected of them.British politicians, on the other hand, are much more discrete, they are rarely found out, but in difference to their American cousins, usually do suffer ejection from the government, or the House for it,sadly, but such is the success of a failure.Of course, throughout, you are happily spending,spending spending, the taxpayers money,amnd you are always voting yourself increase to cover your many many expenses,.Remember to always claim all your expense, who,after all, reads the expense sheet and whom are you responsible to? You’re responsible to
nobody as it were, as the past has shown many many times,And remember, always vote to raise taxes, everybody does, as it supplies them,and you, with more of the taxpayers money.

Remember also, that you are, above all things two faced, as two faced as an indian basket.As a successful politician you have to be ready to change your mind at the drop of a hat, depending on which way the wind blows. As a politician
you need only pay attention to the polls and, whatever viewpoint is winning in the polls, start spouting that viewpoint ASAP. Then go and do whatever you want. Never listen to others, never listen to what the voters want,but tell them you do,and never ever listen to your conscience,a politician never ever has a conscience , and never listen to your heart (if you even have a heart). Never admit when you’re wrong and never let doing the right thing get in the way of playing politics.

Narcissism is an occupation for political leaders. You have to have an outsized ambition and an outsized ego to be a politician,think of yourself as master of your own universe and your own set of ethical structures, your own sense of decision-making. If this is you, then you are a bona fide died in the wool tried and true, politician.And if you’re pondering being a politician, and any of the above aren’t you, then you will never ever be a politician.

Sceret Squirrel,
MRL,MP(Dunny On The Wold),
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

Secret Squirrel’s Political Behaviour Etiquette

Secret Squirrel has decided to share with you, in your efforts to get elected, the election secrets Secret Squirrel has garnered over his many years of experience as a Monster Raving Loony Party, (MRL), politician, the very essence of politics, the very political etiquette (pronounced etty quetty) and behaviour required to make you a success in politics.

1. Always try and read the other politician’s mind. Never wait until the other politician (or party) explains itself. For example, they could be thinking the weather is nice today. Or they could be thinking you are dirt. Or the Chinese could be thinking about improving their human relations record, or they could be thinking about where to build a new prison for dissidents. Assume you know how they are thinking, and act accordingly.

2. Judge before you are judged. Everyone has an opinion about everything. Get there first. Before the other side can decide you are a lying scum, decide what they are–such as a worthless slime. Then act accordingly.

3. Never give the other side the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the other politician was out late because he was having such a good time talking to his mother that he forgot it was 4 AM. Or maybe he was out sleeping with every table dancer he could find that night. Which would you choose? Or maybe the Russians just had an accident when the radar screen shows incoming missiles, or maybe they have launched a pre-emptive strike on Britain. Which would you choose?

4. Always jump to conclusions. There are always two possible meanings to anything. “You won’t live long politicly in this city” could be a death threat, or a prediction that you will have a better chance of being elected in another city and move away. Or, “we vigorously oppose your intrusion into our domestic affairs” could mean every nation has the right to protect its own sovereignty, or we’ll shoot all the political dissidents we want to. Which would you conclude was true?

5. Never seek any outside assistance. You might not be relating well because your concept of political thought is,of course, different from theirs. On the international scene, a third party nation could be called in to mediate the dispute over whose fish they are, or you could sink their fishing boats.

6. What you say is what you mean, even if that isn’t so. People (or nations) rarely speak clearly to each other. “Stop jailing your newspaper editors” spoken by the British Deparment of State actually means “we don’t like what you’re doing, but as long as our business people are making lots of money importing your cheap goods produced with convict labor, we’ll just whine a bit and do nothing.” This is in contrast to General Douglas MacArthur saying “We shall return” and he actually did. Now we tell the Japanese “we’ll blockade your ships if you don’t quit expecting us to open our markets for your stuff while you lock British goods out of your markets,” which means “ship your stuff to Mexico and we’ll tranship”. Be very careful in saying what you mean, and meaning to follow through…like saying “I’ll be back” when you have every intention of doing so at the appointed time, only to find something going on you would rather have not known for sure was going on. Always speak with misdirection, so the listener is trying to figure out if you meant what you said, or something the opposite.

7. Change your mind randomly and without notice. Politicians rarely like some level of predictability in their lives,and the electorate expects this. Predictability breeds security and trust. Neither of these concepts is good for bad relations. Inject a serious level of randomness in a political relationship with the electorate, which will always keep the opposing politicians eyeing you with suspicion if not outright hostility.

8. Always treat the other opposing politicianslike they were mentally deficient if not criminally insane. Treating each other with respect breeds familiarity and trust. On the other hand, if you always approach them and their policies and beliefs with thinly veiled contempt, or openly expressed hostility, then your political relationship with them will never be regarded as freindly towards a foe. For example, always start a personal public conversation with them with phrases like “you come from a long line of political mental deficients” or “doesn’t criminal insanity run in political thought in your family?” On the international scene, treating foreign dignitaries like idiots really improves the chances of war,which,as you know throughout history, has always been good for the economy.

9. Impute evil intentions to every act of the other competeing politician. There is always a good and a bad explanation for everything. If you always assume the evil intention, you are likely to be right more than wrong,maintain an appropriate level of relational dysfunction. Or “your nation has threatened to invade my nation 6 times in the last 50 years so why should I trust your terrorist behavior” is a great way to start peace negotiations if you don’t want peace. A famous version of this occurred in the colony of Canada,specificly Quebec,in 1795, where the French and British sat down to negotiate the surrender of New France to Britain, and the French started off by reciting how many of their relatives had been killed by the British. The spokesman for the British responded by allowing as to how the British army quit too soon. Not another peaceful word has been exchanged between the Britain and France in over 200 years,and,indeed,shouldn’t be.

10. When all else fails, do not respond at all. Refusing to respond to initiatives from fellow competeing politicians, especially well-intentioned gestures of friendship and political compromise, will always chill out an otherwise blossoming relationship of well directed haterid. On the world scene, offers of surrender sometime come at inconvenient times, like before you can prove that the atom bomb works on Japanese cities, or the Lancaster bomber can really fly through the rain and blow up Berlin. Pretending you don’t understand the language, that the phones were dead, or that you have a sudden and source-specific case of deafness does wonders to undermine relational political bliss and world peace.

Secret Squirrel,

MRL,(MP,Dunny On The Wold),

Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

Secret Squirrel Reveals Historical Election Success Methods

Here Secret Squirrel makes serious recommendations on exactly how to win an election,all’s fair in love and war they say, but so too is it at election time as long as you don’t get caught. Here outlined are the tried and true,proven to be working and workable rules,for politics,for politicians, for getting elected as revived from the depths of the history of elections,most noticably across the pond ,in America(Read Britain), specifically noted as being Ye Anciente And Olde Rules For Getting Elected in Chicago(Read London).Take note that making use of all of these rules, guidelines, what have you, will have utterly devastating results for you,but what the heck, once you’re elected, you’re King of all things, just look at the Senators who rule the roost,until they loose their seat,but you won’t,will you……

1. Cemetery Voters: Read the obituaries every day. One must keep track of everyone who dies, so that they can be registered in the appropriate cemetery precinct. We have voters in the Mt. Olive Cemetery (Read any large local one)who have been voting for 100 years. Relatives will often assist as keeping the dead voter on the rolls also keeps the Social Security(Read Dole) checks coming in. If you know of someone who used to live in Chicago and who died, they are still eligible to vote.

2. Homeless Voters: Register the homeless at the Cook County Courthouse(Read suitable local) instead of General Delivery. All they have to do is hang out at the courthouse one day a year to claim residency. Then round them up and give them free cigarettes to vote. We used to give them bottles of wine, but they couldn’t remember to vote our way.

3. Nursing Home Voters: Early (or absentee) voting has greatly expanded our capabilities of increasing the turnout. Take bags full of early ballots to nursing homes, and get everyone in the home to vote…especially the Alzheimer’s cases.

4. College Students: College kids like to screw the system, and they’ll vote more than once just for the sheer pleasure of it.

5. Voters Who Have Moved: Voters who have moved often can vote in the precinct where they used to live, and then in their new precinct. They will not be on the rolls in the new precinct, so they’ll vote a “Questioned Ballot”. Not to worry. When the ballot is questioned after the election, we will have our political hacks permit the votes to be counted.

6. Voters Passing Through O’Hare(Read Heathrow): Many votes can be obtained by soliciting voter registration at our airports. They are legally residents of Chicago, at least for a few minutes.

7. Motor Voters: Take license plate numbers of out-of-state(Read County) cars passing through on the freeways, run them through DMV to get their addresses, and automatically register them in Chicago. Then vote them. They won’t know, since they actually live in Wyoming.

8. Illegal Aliens: Some of our most reliable voters are the thousands of illegal aliens we have in the city. In exchange for not telling INS where they live or work, one can get a solid block of votes.The utility of this has increased in leaps and bound in recent years on both sides of the puddle.

9. Newborns: Our children are more and more precocious, so we register them at birth. Maternity wards are some of our best precincts.

10. Recount The Votes: In the unlikely event our candidates don’t win the first count, then demand a recount. Fill the recount room with loyal supporters, and tow away the cars belonging to the enemy. If you can’t win a recount, then you are not a Chicago Democrat.

Secret Squirrel’s Rules For A Political Election Campaign

It’s politics,it’s election time once more,and I,Secret Squirrel,MRL politician par excellance, have pondered how to run a winning election campaign.Here I share methods to be applied with all, in all fairness,in hopes that it can help you to get elected,the other term used most often ,in political confusion of life and reality,perhaps both,is erected, but that’s the job for viagra.

The Rules For A Political Campaign As Noted By The MRL’s Secret Squirrel.

The twelve commandments of the modern politician,as noticed by Secret Squirrel, as applied by Tories,Labour,BNP,Liberal Democrats et all,and politicians across the Great Pond,even yet also in Puschlinch County et all……..

1. Make things up about your opponent: It’s important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word “clearly.” “Clearly, the (other party),(Opponent) is a liar, and all rounder bounder to boot.Electorally I highly recommend you,the solid elector, give him the electoral boot.”(Here note the combined lie, about your opponent,make up whatever ones you will, and combine it with flattery on the intelligence of the electorate)

2. Be an armchair psychologist: You’re a smart person. You’ve heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you’re qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent,as examples, “(Opponent), by using the word ‘zucchini’ in her speeches, shows she has a bad case of penis envy.For males, by using the word ‘fight’ so often in the speeches, clearly mark hims as a man of war and violence,etc,you get the idea.Reach out personally to the public, go door to door,shake hands when appearing,and appear at public gatherings, picnics etc everywhere and anywhere there is somebody, even yet footie matches at the gates etc etc etc,make speeches there,propound your political philosophy,expound your life, working,hard working, grass roots etc etc etc,mention support of the downtrodden(ever), farmers, and always ever ,ever, kiss babies.The psychology of it all is just devastating.

3. Speak everywhere at every opportunity: Everyone on the hustings is just waiting for the next oratory masterpiece to leave your mouth, they’re all holding their breaths until your next speech.Therefore, make a speech everywhere.Coolridge became a great orator and master of Shakespeare they said,he loved to talk and give talks, talked at every opportunity to people who he clearly knew had no idea about Shakespeare, but were merely there for an intellectual good time,(and privately,he cmost clearly was the and became known as,privately, the good time had by all) and they still believe he knew what he was talking about,Shakespeare, but clearly from the errors contained in the collected writings supposedly of his,he quite probably never read a play of Shakespeare himself.Besides, the speeches, quite clearly, hire a speech writer.

4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone’s against you, the reason can’t *possibly* be that you’re some sort of besotted cad. There’s obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire electorate a favor by exposing it,or at least claiming one or some,exist.Controversy makes for good press,make the most of it,making it up yourself is even yet better,you then have something solid to work with.

5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin & Yang of speeches and claims). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. “By saying that I’ve said such and such, my (Opponent)(Opposing Party) has libelled me, slandered me, and politically sodomized me.I’ll See them in court,when I’m in government there shall be justice.”A really good line.

6. Force them to document,or otherwise substantiate their political opinion and or claims: Even if the (Opponent)(Political Opposing Party) states outright that he likes this and that, you should demand documentation, and a sound explanation as to exactly why. If Daily Mail,Daily News etc hasn’t written an article about their preferences, then they’re obviously obviously lying,or seriously wrong in their opinions and stands.

7. Use foreign phrases: French is used elsewhere in the world but in England shows bad breeding,avoid German,It’s the war stupid, but Latin is the lingua franca of public speaking in Britain. You should use the words “ad hominem” at least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are “ad nauseum”, “vini, vidi, vici”, “fetuccini alfredo”, “et all”,remember, your (opponent) is either pro-pasta, or anti-pasta(take the reverse course),and nihilis expectorum en omnibus.You can use Spanish,we did defeat the Armada,so they’re regarded as harmless in modren times, and if in America, it using Spanish phrases and quotes will endear you to the get the illegal immigrant wetback voters.

8. Tell ’em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them you’re smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you’re a member of Mensa or Mega or Dork Nerds of Britain,or what have you. Tell them the scores you received on every public exam since high school,best make up good ones.If you went to a private school, tell them it was to receive a highly concentrated personal education, “I got an 800 on my whatevers…SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, or whatever,and I can also spell the word ‘premeiotic'(memorize and be ready to…..) etc etc and blah blah blah “.

9. Accuse your opponent,opposing political party of censorship, and advocating censorship. It is your right as a loyal politician of the people Briton,or wherever have you and are you, to speak whatever you want to. Anyone who tries to limit your opinion is either a communist, a fascist,a nazi or all the mentioned.Use these in attacks on opponents who challenge you,locate them securely in the group of your preference.

10. Doubt their right to existence as a politician or political party. And since you’re the center of the political universe,not they, their opposition to you ,by now, should be regarded by the electorate as being utterly irrelevant and inconsequential,you should expound on this, expound on their ineffectiveness,propound them as being timid,milke toast,their rhetoric so much political flatulance.This is the beauty of political logic.

11. Lie, cheat, steal from Opponents speeches(a Canadian Prime Minister applied this to his campaign to very great success,even though he was caught out at it,if caught out blame it on a speech writer), leave the toilet seat up, and blame the (Opponent)(Opposing Political Party)as it were.

12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a would be,wannabe, or existent politician you will undoubtedly end up in a political war (campaign) with someone who is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there’s only one thing to do: insult the sack of filth swine!!! “Oh yeah? Well, I’m he (she)(political party collective they)sure does strange things with vegetables (or cigars,recalling a certain American President)and whatever have you.If he or she employ domestics, bring in the slavery card,if they’re invested in the clothing industry, play the sweatshop card etc etc etc.” and The Golden Rule of Speeches: The speeches will be witty,insulting,interesting,funny,humorous,criticizing,controversal,cynical,caustic, and sarcastic,wax lyrical,be poetical,but never, ever, be boring.

Here endeth the scriptures.

Secret Squirrel,

M.R.L.,(MP,Dunny On The Wold).

Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.