Secret Squirrel Gives Notice To Save Texas.

 

We, in the MRL, specificly I, having been encouraged, have annexed Texas, it’s MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!……new rules apply……….henceforth you down there in Texas take note, there has been a change…….
To the citizens of Texas, in light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today,and adherence to the government of the United States Of America, and declare you annexed,to England, not Britain as Scotland may leave,Wales may leave, Norther Ireland may leave, requiring the acquisition of Texas to balance things out and maintain a statu quo for the people of England.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over the Secret Squirrel, (MRL,Monster Raving Loony Party),annexed territory of Texas, it having been his idea.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Theresa May, MP for the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there’s a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for Texas. Congress and the Senate of the USA have no authroity over Texas any longer, but the existing government shall function, with the existing governor being Her Majesty’s ruling representative in Texas…A Fully Functioning, Governor General. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check “aluminium” in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’. Likewise you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary.” Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed.” There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show…nor others shown in the newly annexed Territory of Texas. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows.

2. There is no such thing as “US English.” We’ll let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’.

3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as ‘Taggart’ will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.All existing Texas counties, shall become shires, taking on the name shire tagged on to the existing names.

4. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1.

5. You should stop playing American “football.” There’s only one kind of football. What you call American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays “American” football. You should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every two seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies) You should stop playing baseball. It’s not reasonable to host event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders,” which is baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler.

7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday. It will be called “Indecisive Day.”

8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t French, they’re Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat….they are to be called chips, or Freedom Fry Chips….

10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer.” Substances once known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will be called “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine.” This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. Your urine beer has created a problem, Sarah Miles became used to it, and now admits to drinking her own piss.

11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or “Gasoline,” as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).

12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you’re not adult enough to be independent. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy. Also RFK, we suspect Onnassis really, with Jackie and ted Kennedy knowing plot participants.

14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Secret Squirrel,
MRL,MP,Dunny On The Wold,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

Secret Squirrel Examines The Electoral System.

Secret Squirrel first here examines outlined ideas on changing the electoral system and expounds why these ARE unsuitable……..he will then go on to explain First Past The Post system in use, and why……….it IS good, but also what the problem with it is.

So without further ado here are proposed system changes and why they are………..utterly and completely and for all time, ridiculous and utterly and completely UNACCEPTABLE.

* Party-list proportional representation (party-list PR). Under this system, parties would list candidates they are standing for election. The public would then vote for a party and the number of candidates elected would depend on the percentage share of the vote the party received across the area. The idea is that the party?s representation in Parliament would reflect the level of support it has across the country.This is interesting, a form of dictatorship as it were, the people have no choice of a candidate up front,the candidate elected thence becomes unseen……does it matter then………………yes it does, it is a dictatorial format of system……the candidates themselves then have no format of own policy nor thought with respect to government whatsoever.The party leader will pick whomever he wants willy nilly.

* Alternative Vote (AV) Under AV candidates are ranked by preference, and those preferences would be counted where no candidate had won 50% of the vote. However, we have already voted against introducing AV after a referendum in 2011 when 67.9% people rejected it and, as a result, we kept FPTP.This is useless, if I choose, say the conservatives, I want the conservatives to win, to be Prime Minister also, NOT a say Labour candidate,nor UKIP etc.

* Alternative Vote Plus (AV+) This would see the voting system described above brought into use, but with an additional regional vote, which could force parties to campaign in places other than marginal seats.This is useless, if I choose, say the conservatives, I want the conservatives to win, to be Prime Minister also, NOT a say Labour candidate,nor UKIP etc

* Single Transferable Vote (STV) Under STV each person gets one vote which they can transfer from their first-preference to their second-preference.So, if your preferred candidate has no chance of being elected or has enough votes already, your vote is transferred to another candidate in accordance with your instructions.This is useless, if I choose, say the conservatives, I want the conservatives to win, to be Prime Minister also, NOT a say Labour candidate,nor UKIP etc,I don’t want my vote transferred to a Labour, or UKIP or whatever.

What’s wrong with first past the post, as in example

Candidate Party A 4000votes
Candidate Party B 3500votes
Candidate Party c 1000votes
Candidate Party D 50votes

So, sanely the will of the majority in that constituency is clearly Party A candidate, and he wins. Tell me why should Party B matter at all, so what they got 3000votes(which tallies in the total popular vote).Sanely UKIP got 4 million votes,one seat BECAUSE in one constituency the majority of voters selected UKIP,and only there, in others they came close, but lost, but added to the total of popular votes as they were spread so round and about….but face it, sanely, a loss is a loss, a looser is a looser.THe popular vote is a direct reflection of the popularity of the winning Prime Minister.There have been elections in Canada and America, using the First Past The Post system, as in the will of the majority in any constituency, where the sum total of the winning leadership(example we shall call it Prime Minister), where the seats totalled the MAJORITY for government, BUT the popular vote numbers were greater for the loosing party (parties)….why.. Well quite simply it means the constituencies are NOT equally balanced with respect to the numbers of voters in a given constituency,there is no balance as in Constituency A has 5000 voters, whilst constituency B has 2000 voters constituency 3 has 1000 voters,as examples, so obviously, here if all vote the same,yet differently, B&C can elect 2 conservatives,exampled, A will vote and place Labour, BUT Conservatives win due to numbers, not of voters BUT seats, due to constituency,voter imbalance with respect to representation by population NOT being equal,(recall they vary in size between 21,837 to 89,519 voters) as in constituencies vary wildly in terms of NUMBERS OF VOTERS IN EACH! Therein you see, lies the rub, NOT having representation by population and so there is this imbalance in voter representation by population. There it is explained, and you know the cure, the voting constituencies must be redrawn in terms of a certain stated population of voters in each, being equal in all.There it is, the problem,why there is a problem, and the solution to the problem. Squirrel has the answers,electoral reform, redraw the electoral maps such that all constituencies have equal voter numbers in each and every one,and so it becomes, representation by population, as it was intended to be.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
MP,Dunny On The Wold,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

Secret Squirrel On UKIPS Election Complaint.

Secret Squirrel has heard of UKIP , which was totally kippered and filleted in the past election,getting only 1 seat and not yet being able to have it’s party leadered voted in to office. Indeed, they got 4 million votes, and only 1 seat, which meant that UKIP had a smattering of support scattered about merely thither and yon across the length
and breadth of England but not concentrated in any one place enabling it to get a seat.

That’s how the system works, so many voters in any particular constituency will vote one lad in from the party the majority choose, coming close doesn’t count you see. This IS the system which is employed world wide in democracies, and no cry baby party, nor cry baby party leader can and should be able to change it………..it is THE system and it works,that is how it works.UKIP’s Nigel Farage called for an end to first-past-the-post elections after the party was left with one elected MP despite a 13% share (the UK’s third-highest) of the vote.
The Green Party also had a 3.8% share of the national vote and just one seat and the

Lib Dems were left with 8 seats with a 7.9% share.
Meanwhile, other smaller parties benefited from FPTP(First Past The Post–majority wins). The SNP secured 56 seats with just 4.7% of the national vote share.
There’s nothing wrong with the system of voting, just that the distribution of voters versus constituencies is not correct, rather it is not representation by a specific number of population……as is self evident in the Scottish ratio 56 seats with just 4.7% of the national vote.

But the popular vote was split between the two major parties, with the Tories at 37 percent and Labour at 31 percent according to latest count of votes broadcast by BBC.
Ukip claiming 83 seats should’ve been had for 4million voters goes with a ratio of 48,193 persons to a seat……….
This Figures to 15,951,807 voters having voted for Cons to give 331 seats,but actual votes totalled 11,334,920 or 34,244 voters per seat……and hey the SNP got 56 seats off of 1,454,436 voters at 25,972 voters per seat…….
the Labour got for 40,292 voters per seat at 9,347,926.
Why doesn’t the division of seats in parliament reflect the popular vote?

The Electoral Reform Commission has been trying to change the system for years, running a referendum on electoral reform in 2011. But British voters rejected electoral reform in the poll. All that could be and needs be done really is to redraw the electoral maps, such that the electoral constituencies have a basic equal number of
voters,regardless of whether new constituencies are then created. If all things were fair and equal, there being 46,500,000 eligible British voters, for a total of 650 seats that would be a constituency requirement of 71,538 voters to each and every one starting in applied balance,but it just isn’t so. However UKIP which received spread out support thinks it should get to select itself, or have a candidate selected on the basis of vote received broad spectrum,ridiculous. Also ridiculous is a proposed system of selecting two candidates a first and a second, BUT that would mean a selection of another party, NOT the one you desire and hence your selected party(and thence leader), could loose the election…….not what you desire.The British system divides the country into legislative districts with each being represented in parliament by a single MP.
If a number of parties contest a seat in a district, the winner is the candidate who receives the most votes within the district.One winner of the majority of the votes, the rest loosers,nothing wrong with that is there, No, I should say not.
Let’s look at UKIP’s sour grapes complaint, now population wise, we combine the populations of Birmingham,Leeds,Sheffield,Bradford,Liverpool,Manchester,and Bristol to total 4,059,771 of what UKIP would say are their votes, but rather than giving UKIP 83 seats as they claim they should have, they here get 29 seats, BUT face it, the people here didn’t vote UKIP, UKIP support was spread out thither and yon and totalled to 4million, and so what of it, loosers are loosers, winners are winners.It goes by whom the people vote for,the majority of the people,he wins, the others loose, because their votes were less. And so it should be and is and should remain, the will of the majority in any given constituency,loosers don’t count, nor do their numbers of votes, regardless as they lost.

Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
MP,Dunny On The Wold,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-engineering.

Secret Squirrel Calls For Electoral Reform

Secret Squirrel Calls For New Electoral Reform Regulations.

Secret Squirrel calls for new regulations………….Mayoral elections, and indeed all elections at all levels, should require,manditory that said person running for election, and if elected, MUST be a British citizen in the very least, if not in fact British born……Secret Squirrel came to this conclusion on the threat of an American retread, as it were, Bill De Blasio,a Mayor of New York, an American City, might well run for election to the Office Of The Mayor Of London………Squirrel was NOT pleased.

There is another election rule which Squirrel wishes implimented, on the resignation of a Prime Minister,for example, that within THREE (3) Months of said resignation,removal,ouster, or sadly incapacity of sorts or a death of same, that there be an election held…………let the people decide their selected Prime Minister, not having one directly NOT elected to the position hold sway and swagger over them.

So says Squirrel.

Secret Squirrel,
MRL.

Secret Squirrel, Election Advice,Why Vote for Nobody?

Secret Squirrel has studied many an election,pondering the candidates running,hoping to get elected.But Squirrel has discovered the only suitable candidate for whom the people should vote,should elect,the only candidate worth voting for.Nobody.

Why vote for Nobody?

Because……..

Nobody is the best candidate.

Nobody will keep election promises.

Nobody will listen to your concerns.

Nobody will help the poor and unemployed.

Nobody cares.

Elect Nobody and things will be better for Everybody.

Nobody tells the truth.

Nobody will lower your taxes.

Nobody will defend your rights.

Nobody has all the answers.

Nobody will stop the wars.

Nobody makes sense.

Nobody’s the best politician.

Secret Squirrel’s Political Behaviour Etiquette

Secret Squirrel has decided to share with you, in your efforts to get elected, the election secrets Secret Squirrel has garnered over his many years of experience as a Monster Raving Loony Party, (MRL), politician, the very essence of politics, the very political etiquette (pronounced etty quetty) and behaviour required to make you a success in politics.

1. Always try and read the other politician’s mind. Never wait until the other politician (or party) explains itself. For example, they could be thinking the weather is nice today. Or they could be thinking you are dirt. Or the Chinese could be thinking about improving their human relations record, or they could be thinking about where to build a new prison for dissidents. Assume you know how they are thinking, and act accordingly.

2. Judge before you are judged. Everyone has an opinion about everything. Get there first. Before the other side can decide you are a lying scum, decide what they are–such as a worthless slime. Then act accordingly.

3. Never give the other side the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the other politician was out late because he was having such a good time talking to his mother that he forgot it was 4 AM. Or maybe he was out sleeping with every table dancer he could find that night. Which would you choose? Or maybe the Russians just had an accident when the radar screen shows incoming missiles, or maybe they have launched a pre-emptive strike on Britain. Which would you choose?

4. Always jump to conclusions. There are always two possible meanings to anything. “You won’t live long politicly in this city” could be a death threat, or a prediction that you will have a better chance of being elected in another city and move away. Or, “we vigorously oppose your intrusion into our domestic affairs” could mean every nation has the right to protect its own sovereignty, or we’ll shoot all the political dissidents we want to. Which would you conclude was true?

5. Never seek any outside assistance. You might not be relating well because your concept of political thought is,of course, different from theirs. On the international scene, a third party nation could be called in to mediate the dispute over whose fish they are, or you could sink their fishing boats.

6. What you say is what you mean, even if that isn’t so. People (or nations) rarely speak clearly to each other. “Stop jailing your newspaper editors” spoken by the British Deparment of State actually means “we don’t like what you’re doing, but as long as our business people are making lots of money importing your cheap goods produced with convict labor, we’ll just whine a bit and do nothing.” This is in contrast to General Douglas MacArthur saying “We shall return” and he actually did. Now we tell the Japanese “we’ll blockade your ships if you don’t quit expecting us to open our markets for your stuff while you lock British goods out of your markets,” which means “ship your stuff to Mexico and we’ll tranship”. Be very careful in saying what you mean, and meaning to follow through…like saying “I’ll be back” when you have every intention of doing so at the appointed time, only to find something going on you would rather have not known for sure was going on. Always speak with misdirection, so the listener is trying to figure out if you meant what you said, or something the opposite.

7. Change your mind randomly and without notice. Politicians rarely like some level of predictability in their lives,and the electorate expects this. Predictability breeds security and trust. Neither of these concepts is good for bad relations. Inject a serious level of randomness in a political relationship with the electorate, which will always keep the opposing politicians eyeing you with suspicion if not outright hostility.

8. Always treat the other opposing politicianslike they were mentally deficient if not criminally insane. Treating each other with respect breeds familiarity and trust. On the other hand, if you always approach them and their policies and beliefs with thinly veiled contempt, or openly expressed hostility, then your political relationship with them will never be regarded as freindly towards a foe. For example, always start a personal public conversation with them with phrases like “you come from a long line of political mental deficients” or “doesn’t criminal insanity run in political thought in your family?” On the international scene, treating foreign dignitaries like idiots really improves the chances of war,which,as you know throughout history, has always been good for the economy.

9. Impute evil intentions to every act of the other competeing politician. There is always a good and a bad explanation for everything. If you always assume the evil intention, you are likely to be right more than wrong,maintain an appropriate level of relational dysfunction. Or “your nation has threatened to invade my nation 6 times in the last 50 years so why should I trust your terrorist behavior” is a great way to start peace negotiations if you don’t want peace. A famous version of this occurred in the colony of Canada,specificly Quebec,in 1795, where the French and British sat down to negotiate the surrender of New France to Britain, and the French started off by reciting how many of their relatives had been killed by the British. The spokesman for the British responded by allowing as to how the British army quit too soon. Not another peaceful word has been exchanged between the Britain and France in over 200 years,and,indeed,shouldn’t be.

10. When all else fails, do not respond at all. Refusing to respond to initiatives from fellow competeing politicians, especially well-intentioned gestures of friendship and political compromise, will always chill out an otherwise blossoming relationship of well directed haterid. On the world scene, offers of surrender sometime come at inconvenient times, like before you can prove that the atom bomb works on Japanese cities, or the Lancaster bomber can really fly through the rain and blow up Berlin. Pretending you don’t understand the language, that the phones were dead, or that you have a sudden and source-specific case of deafness does wonders to undermine relational political bliss and world peace.

Secret Squirrel,

MRL,(MP,Dunny On The Wold),

Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

Secret Squirrel’s Approved Election Campaign Platform.

Secret Squirrel has scrutinized many election campaigns and has come with the safe,sound,sure,tried,true Election Apostles that combined are sure to have you elected. Here commence the Psalms of electioneering, the very scriptures to guarentee success. Here commence the epistles.

1) Recycle your opponents speeches,keep track of all their speeches and get hold of the scriptsfor them but be wiser and user those older one that occured farther earlier on in their careers.The Canadian Prime Minister,Harper used this technique, and then, of course, denied being connected with the event.(In other words, if caught out, blame your speech writers,as he did).

2) Agree with your opponents goals,aims,ideals,standards and policies, President Obama of America did this with respect to Bill Clinton and others, and then happily berated them……………remember to do this as well, and don’t forget the beratement part.

3) Never miss an opportunity to make a speech, always have one prepared and keep the emergency one with you at all times…remember to change speeches but after a few days you can recycle them and reuse those once more. If caught at it, tell them you’re re-interating,re-emphasizing your extremely importatnt points.This is often done during Canadian election campaigns, everything borrowed,nothing new.

4) Always kiss babies,especially at disaster scenes,and always visit the disaster scenes, to make sympathetic speechs and KISS THE BABIES, never miss the opportunity to do this,and always mention that the existing government,your opposition, is at fault for not doing enough to aleviate the situation.Remember,this worked for US General Russel L. Honore, who then was able to publicly mutiny , and refuse to have his soldiers shoot looters in New Orleans…….it can save you too…never,ever,underestimate the power of baby kissing.

5) Know your electorate………..face it you’re there to be elected by those with the power to vote, the English people, preaching conciliatory speeches to and for and favoring, for example, Polacks, will not get you votes.Rather like trying to run for elections in India and making speeches supporting Pakistanis,it just won’t do you any good.

6) Support your local sports teams,and be seen there,suggest your opposition doesn’t show up for local, nor support, sports events and teams.

7)One legendary but unconfirmed example of dirty politics is said to have occurred during a heated campaign between Americans ,Claude Pepper and George Mathers in the 1950s. Mathers is often credited with delivering a speech describing Pepper’s sister as a “well-known thespian.” Pepper’s brother was a “practicing homo sapiens.” Pepper himself reportedly “masticated daily” or “openly matriculated at college.” Although none of these allegations were in the least bit immoral or illegal, Mathers counted on voter ignorance and used dirty politics to sway the voters away from a questionable candidate.You can make this work for you as well………….

8)Support pensioners and increases in pensions,state that is a major campaign platform,disparage the government for not having done so,and always mention that the governments 20pound christmas pension bonus is far too small a sum.

9)Pay attention to your opponent’s criticism of you, jump on it, mention it, accuse he or she of making unfair and unsupported statements,a very nature of their being, a sign of unacceptable inadequacy in politicians.

10) Check all of your opponent’s policies, write them up, compare, add all of the similar ones, to yours, look at the differences, and add some of each to yours.Remember 8), the increasing pensions and pension gift at christmas, and add a general tax cut for the lower AND middle classes.

11) If there is a holiday during the election campaign run, see to it you are seen and filmed celebrating it, also especially if it involves a religious festivity of sorts, any sorts, all sorts, anybodies,be the Man For All Seasons, and all religious holidays.

12) If there’s some sort of ridiculous foreign war somewheres, push for bringing the troops home.State quite flatly their lives would be put to much better use helping sandbag swolen rivers, helping,saving flood and disaster victims rather than having them die uselessly in foreign lands for foreign governments.

Here endeth the scriptures, and your opponents chance of success.Go in peace,go with my blessing.

Secret Squirrel,

MRL,(MP,Dunny On The Wold),

Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

Secret Squirrel Reveals Historical Election Success Methods

Here Secret Squirrel makes serious recommendations on exactly how to win an election,all’s fair in love and war they say, but so too is it at election time as long as you don’t get caught. Here outlined are the tried and true,proven to be working and workable rules,for politics,for politicians, for getting elected as revived from the depths of the history of elections,most noticably across the pond ,in America(Read Britain), specifically noted as being Ye Anciente And Olde Rules For Getting Elected in Chicago(Read London).Take note that making use of all of these rules, guidelines, what have you, will have utterly devastating results for you,but what the heck, once you’re elected, you’re King of all things, just look at the Senators who rule the roost,until they loose their seat,but you won’t,will you……

1. Cemetery Voters: Read the obituaries every day. One must keep track of everyone who dies, so that they can be registered in the appropriate cemetery precinct. We have voters in the Mt. Olive Cemetery (Read any large local one)who have been voting for 100 years. Relatives will often assist as keeping the dead voter on the rolls also keeps the Social Security(Read Dole) checks coming in. If you know of someone who used to live in Chicago and who died, they are still eligible to vote.

2. Homeless Voters: Register the homeless at the Cook County Courthouse(Read suitable local) instead of General Delivery. All they have to do is hang out at the courthouse one day a year to claim residency. Then round them up and give them free cigarettes to vote. We used to give them bottles of wine, but they couldn’t remember to vote our way.

3. Nursing Home Voters: Early (or absentee) voting has greatly expanded our capabilities of increasing the turnout. Take bags full of early ballots to nursing homes, and get everyone in the home to vote…especially the Alzheimer’s cases.

4. College Students: College kids like to screw the system, and they’ll vote more than once just for the sheer pleasure of it.

5. Voters Who Have Moved: Voters who have moved often can vote in the precinct where they used to live, and then in their new precinct. They will not be on the rolls in the new precinct, so they’ll vote a “Questioned Ballot”. Not to worry. When the ballot is questioned after the election, we will have our political hacks permit the votes to be counted.

6. Voters Passing Through O’Hare(Read Heathrow): Many votes can be obtained by soliciting voter registration at our airports. They are legally residents of Chicago, at least for a few minutes.

7. Motor Voters: Take license plate numbers of out-of-state(Read County) cars passing through on the freeways, run them through DMV to get their addresses, and automatically register them in Chicago. Then vote them. They won’t know, since they actually live in Wyoming.

8. Illegal Aliens: Some of our most reliable voters are the thousands of illegal aliens we have in the city. In exchange for not telling INS where they live or work, one can get a solid block of votes.The utility of this has increased in leaps and bound in recent years on both sides of the puddle.

9. Newborns: Our children are more and more precocious, so we register them at birth. Maternity wards are some of our best precincts.

10. Recount The Votes: In the unlikely event our candidates don’t win the first count, then demand a recount. Fill the recount room with loyal supporters, and tow away the cars belonging to the enemy. If you can’t win a recount, then you are not a Chicago Democrat.

Secret Squirrel’s Rules For A Political Election Campaign

It’s politics,it’s election time once more,and I,Secret Squirrel,MRL politician par excellance, have pondered how to run a winning election campaign.Here I share methods to be applied with all, in all fairness,in hopes that it can help you to get elected,the other term used most often ,in political confusion of life and reality,perhaps both,is erected, but that’s the job for viagra.

The Rules For A Political Campaign As Noted By The MRL’s Secret Squirrel.

The twelve commandments of the modern politician,as noticed by Secret Squirrel, as applied by Tories,Labour,BNP,Liberal Democrats et all,and politicians across the Great Pond,even yet also in Puschlinch County et all……..

1. Make things up about your opponent: It’s important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word “clearly.” “Clearly, the (other party),(Opponent) is a liar, and all rounder bounder to boot.Electorally I highly recommend you,the solid elector, give him the electoral boot.”(Here note the combined lie, about your opponent,make up whatever ones you will, and combine it with flattery on the intelligence of the electorate)

2. Be an armchair psychologist: You’re a smart person. You’ve heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you’re qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent,as examples, “(Opponent), by using the word ‘zucchini’ in her speeches, shows she has a bad case of penis envy.For males, by using the word ‘fight’ so often in the speeches, clearly mark hims as a man of war and violence,etc,you get the idea.Reach out personally to the public, go door to door,shake hands when appearing,and appear at public gatherings, picnics etc everywhere and anywhere there is somebody, even yet footie matches at the gates etc etc etc,make speeches there,propound your political philosophy,expound your life, working,hard working, grass roots etc etc etc,mention support of the downtrodden(ever), farmers, and always ever ,ever, kiss babies.The psychology of it all is just devastating.

3. Speak everywhere at every opportunity: Everyone on the hustings is just waiting for the next oratory masterpiece to leave your mouth, they’re all holding their breaths until your next speech.Therefore, make a speech everywhere.Coolridge became a great orator and master of Shakespeare they said,he loved to talk and give talks, talked at every opportunity to people who he clearly knew had no idea about Shakespeare, but were merely there for an intellectual good time,(and privately,he cmost clearly was the and became known as,privately, the good time had by all) and they still believe he knew what he was talking about,Shakespeare, but clearly from the errors contained in the collected writings supposedly of his,he quite probably never read a play of Shakespeare himself.Besides, the speeches, quite clearly, hire a speech writer.

4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone’s against you, the reason can’t *possibly* be that you’re some sort of besotted cad. There’s obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire electorate a favor by exposing it,or at least claiming one or some,exist.Controversy makes for good press,make the most of it,making it up yourself is even yet better,you then have something solid to work with.

5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin & Yang of speeches and claims). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. “By saying that I’ve said such and such, my (Opponent)(Opposing Party) has libelled me, slandered me, and politically sodomized me.I’ll See them in court,when I’m in government there shall be justice.”A really good line.

6. Force them to document,or otherwise substantiate their political opinion and or claims: Even if the (Opponent)(Political Opposing Party) states outright that he likes this and that, you should demand documentation, and a sound explanation as to exactly why. If Daily Mail,Daily News etc hasn’t written an article about their preferences, then they’re obviously obviously lying,or seriously wrong in their opinions and stands.

7. Use foreign phrases: French is used elsewhere in the world but in England shows bad breeding,avoid German,It’s the war stupid, but Latin is the lingua franca of public speaking in Britain. You should use the words “ad hominem” at least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are “ad nauseum”, “vini, vidi, vici”, “fetuccini alfredo”, “et all”,remember, your (opponent) is either pro-pasta, or anti-pasta(take the reverse course),and nihilis expectorum en omnibus.You can use Spanish,we did defeat the Armada,so they’re regarded as harmless in modren times, and if in America, it using Spanish phrases and quotes will endear you to the get the illegal immigrant wetback voters.

8. Tell ’em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them you’re smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you’re a member of Mensa or Mega or Dork Nerds of Britain,or what have you. Tell them the scores you received on every public exam since high school,best make up good ones.If you went to a private school, tell them it was to receive a highly concentrated personal education, “I got an 800 on my whatevers…SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, or whatever,and I can also spell the word ‘premeiotic'(memorize and be ready to…..) etc etc and blah blah blah “.

9. Accuse your opponent,opposing political party of censorship, and advocating censorship. It is your right as a loyal politician of the people Briton,or wherever have you and are you, to speak whatever you want to. Anyone who tries to limit your opinion is either a communist, a fascist,a nazi or all the mentioned.Use these in attacks on opponents who challenge you,locate them securely in the group of your preference.

10. Doubt their right to existence as a politician or political party. And since you’re the center of the political universe,not they, their opposition to you ,by now, should be regarded by the electorate as being utterly irrelevant and inconsequential,you should expound on this, expound on their ineffectiveness,propound them as being timid,milke toast,their rhetoric so much political flatulance.This is the beauty of political logic.

11. Lie, cheat, steal from Opponents speeches(a Canadian Prime Minister applied this to his campaign to very great success,even though he was caught out at it,if caught out blame it on a speech writer), leave the toilet seat up, and blame the (Opponent)(Opposing Political Party)as it were.

12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a would be,wannabe, or existent politician you will undoubtedly end up in a political war (campaign) with someone who is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there’s only one thing to do: insult the sack of filth swine!!! “Oh yeah? Well, I’m he (she)(political party collective they)sure does strange things with vegetables (or cigars,recalling a certain American President)and whatever have you.If he or she employ domestics, bring in the slavery card,if they’re invested in the clothing industry, play the sweatshop card etc etc etc.” and The Golden Rule of Speeches: The speeches will be witty,insulting,interesting,funny,humorous,criticizing,controversal,cynical,caustic, and sarcastic,wax lyrical,be poetical,but never, ever, be boring.

Here endeth the scriptures.

Secret Squirrel,

M.R.L.,(MP,Dunny On The Wold).

Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.