Secret Squirrel’s Points On How To Win An Election In America,Or Nazi Germany For That Matter,It Worked For Adolf, It Can And Will Work For You.

Secret Squirrel has studied American election proceedings, and has noticed what they do to win elections…….at least those who will and do win, stand out amongst the rest, and here is why, what Squirrel has discovered is the key to success……..

1. Always try and read the opposing political person’s mind. Never wait until the other person (or country) explains itself.If that fails, try the Ouija board.
2. Judge before you are judged.
3. Never give the other side the benefit of the doubt.
4. Always jump to conclusions.
5. Never seek any outside assistance.
6. What you say is what you mean, even if that isn’t so.
7. Change your mind randomly and without notice.
8. Always treat the other side like they were mentally deficient if not criminally insane.
9. Impute evil intentions to every act of the other.
10. When all else fails, do not respond at all.
11. There are two possible meanings to everything, if in doubt, explain that they took it the wrong way.
12. Launch a public relations campaign disputing your opponents.
13. Predict dire economic consequences, and ignore the cost benefits.
14. Find and pay a respected scientists to argue persuasively against incumbent government environmental policies.
15. Use non-peer reviewed scientific publications or industry-funded scientists who don’t publish original peer-reviewed scientific work to support your point of view on matters of public health and environment.
16. Trumpet discredited scientific studies and myths supporting your points of view as scientific fact.
17. Point to the substantial scientific uncertainty, and the certainty of economic loss if immediate action is taken with respect to problems.
18. Use data from a local area to support your views, and ignore the global evidence.
19. Disparage scientists, saying they are playing up uncertain predictions of doom in order to get research funding when encountering global warming issues.
20. Complain that it is unfair to require regulatory action in Britain, as it would put the nation at an economic disadvantage.
21. Claim that more research is needed before action should be taken on things to do with public Health and Safety.
22. Refuse to answer questions.
23. Insult your opponents, totally, utterly and completely, even yet involve their immediate family members and friends.
24. Show your opponents all and total utter manners of disrespect.
25 Degrade your opponents, and members of the press,show them utterly no respect.
26. Anyone who from the crowd challenges your opinions, statements, policies et all, have them thrown out by security.
27. Show complete and utter disrespect and contempt for any and all regarded as immigrants, foreigners, those of foreign origins, them,their behaviour, their customs.
28. Don’t reveal nor display any comment or opinion of any sort with respect to any foreign policy matters, in short don’t reveal you don’t have any by refusing to answer questions concerning any foreign policy you might have, or not.if they persist, just insult them, the press and also your opponents.
29. Make yourself seem smart and educated, and try to appear so in public, at meetings at debates,belittle your opponents, claim they’re not educated properly, or used influence to obtain degrees, suggest their IQ’s are lower.
30. Showmanship, be loud,brash,brazen, provocative,disgusting,insulting to set you apart from your opponents,yell and scream a lot, appeal to the masses, let the masses hear what they want to hear, it worked for the insane and megalomanic Hilter you know, it’ll work for you too.
31. Adolf Hitler and the Nazis waged a modern whirlwind campaign in 1930 unlike anything ever seen in Germany. Hitler traveled the country delivering dozens of major speeches, attending meetings, shaking hands, signing autographs, posing for pictures, and even kissing babies..and you just know American politicians have followed this pattern ever since.
32. Offer the people they needed most, encouragement. Give them heaps of vague promises while avoiding the details. Use simple catchphrases, repeated over and over.
33. Begin each debate in low, hesitating tones, gradually raising the pitch and volume of voice then exploding in a climax of frenzied indignation,attack your opponents, attack those asking questions.
34. After a series of debates, refuse even to appear,belittling your opponents,showing contempt for the press, and……really the people, they just love being abused, they’re used to it you know,you’re rich,richer than they are……..all of them, they love it,secretly relishing such abuse.
35. Offer something to everyone: work to the unemployed; prosperity to failed business people; profits to industry; expansion to the Army; social harmony and an end of class distinctions to idealistic young students; and restoration of (American,British) glory to those in despair.
35. Promise to bring order amid chaos; a feeling of unity to all and the chance to belong. Make (America,Britain) strong again; end payment of war reparations to the Allies; tear up the treaty of Versailles; stamp out corruption; keep down Marxism/Communism; and deal harshly with the powerless immigrants.
36. Play up to the rich, and the industrialists, attack the trade unions.
37. Offer the working class protection for jobs,your protection, indicating yours is greater than that of the abilities of the weak and wimpering and useless unions.
38. To farmers offer increased prosperity, whilst at the same time promising people lower prices, neither will notice the other.
39. To the middle class offer restoration of law and order.
40. To women,offer emphasis on family, religion, and morals, never mind your comments, its YOUR family.

Secret Squirrel On Politicians

The time has come for I ,Secret Squirrel, MRL member and politician, the rightwise M.P,(that’s Member Of Parlament in case you were unaware), for Her Majesty’s enclave in the colony of Canada, of Dunny On The Wold,elected by the voter
by a margin of 16,454 to zero,to comment on the quality of, meself being a politician, on the politicians of the day, on the politics of the day,and whom and what they exactly are, as being revealed by the events of the day.

Now let us consider the political issue of global warming.The politicians of the day generally stand against global warming, preferring the freezing effect of global cooling. Indeed, we, the people, are men indeed, and men in need, of global
warming, but the politicians of the day are anti global warming. Well if there was pasta,they’d be anti pasta, if there was pasto, they’d be anti-pasto, and they are,and the reverse when challenged on that,backwards,forward, inside,out,whenever as always, men for all season, men for all reasons, men for all the issues,pro and con, and at the reverse times, otherwise, to please yourself.

Are they doing anybody any favors? Are they for doing anybody any favours, except, of course for themselves and in the best interests of themselves?Indeed no. You see they wish to end global warming,as an examplary issue to be
considered. Now consider, the climate warms up, no more winter, no snow, no cold, year round warm,balmy(not barmy), temperatures, year round growing season for farmers, people would have food past their behinds, they would happily bask in the sun, enjoy swimming year round, no snow to shovel, no freezing cold to endure, a climate just like Australia. But do the politicians want that for you? Nay!Nay they say! Swinery it all is, they’re not in politics for you, they’re not doing you any favors. They claim that global warming will flood Holland.Well, it wouldn’t flood
anything else, so what of the Dutch, let’em learn to swim, let’em live in houseboats, or let’em immigrate to Australia,that’s the solution, and all would be well for we, the people.

Well what of the economy, where do the politicians stand on the economy?Right on top of it they say,getting to the bottom of it they say, top,bottom everything’s uncovered and the people get the shaft.I Squirrel in the course of my economic research discovered a direct an dindisputable correlation between the height
of skirts, and the economy.Short skirts great economy, long skirts bust economy, but did you see any politicians wearing skirts, short skirts in an attempt to get the economy to imporve, to wax fat, to grow, to expand? Nay, not they,except of course, for Sean Connery and the rest of the Scottish politicians,but then again they’re always running madly about in skirts.

Well now, what are then the actual components of being what they are,the politician? For one thing, politicians are never really for the people, they’re for themselves,very much you see, and for.those known as lobbyists, those
contributing to their campaign election fund, which politicians have learned how tap for various other things, such as junkets with their goumars or whatever their bedroom girlfriend intern groupie secretaries are called,buying a house out in the country, and apartment in the city etc etc etc. Of course this means these contributions are in fact, bribes.So you,the politician, work for their interests which is in your interest as they provide you will all that readily available and spendable money.If you get high enough, that’s also cash for honors,being a Honorable Member,the biggest member in the House so to speak,until the public decides to castrate you.

So what else are you, the politician? You,sir, are a liar, a pinnochio, or whatever it is called,your pants are on fire(also for any available interns or secretaries or whatever else happens along).If you want to get elected you have to say, or do, whatever it takes,and in and after the same fashion, to stay so. It helps to disregard the facts, disregard the truth, disregard right and wrong, disregard what’s good for the people you represent … and lie, lie, lie. Lying is what works. Lying is what gets you elected. And re-elected. A successful politician is a successful liar.

As a politician, rules and laws and morality do not apply to you. As a politician, feel free to do whatever you want; hire hookers, have affairs, hire a car and driver at taxpayers’ expense, go on expensive junkets at taxpayers’ expense, take bribes, drive drunk, cheat on your taxes and behave as badly as you wish. Not to worry, no matter what sins and crimes you commit, you won’t go to jail and you won’t lose your incredibly generous government pension and benefits. Remember, as a politician you are above the law. You don’t have to follow the laws… you MAKE the
laws!American politicians are most successful at it, openly so, in and about the media and the press, they are survivors, it is expected of them.British politicians, on the other hand, are much more discrete, they are rarely found out, but in difference to their American cousins, usually do suffer ejection from the government, or the House for it,sadly, but such is the success of a failure.Of course, throughout, you are happily spending,spending spending, the taxpayers money,amnd you are always voting yourself increase to cover your many many expenses,.Remember to always claim all your expense, who,after all, reads the expense sheet and whom are you responsible to? You’re responsible to
nobody as it were, as the past has shown many many times,And remember, always vote to raise taxes, everybody does, as it supplies them,and you, with more of the taxpayers money.

Remember also, that you are, above all things two faced, as two faced as an indian basket.As a successful politician you have to be ready to change your mind at the drop of a hat, depending on which way the wind blows. As a politician
you need only pay attention to the polls and, whatever viewpoint is winning in the polls, start spouting that viewpoint ASAP. Then go and do whatever you want. Never listen to others, never listen to what the voters want,but tell them you do,and never ever listen to your conscience,a politician never ever has a conscience , and never listen to your heart (if you even have a heart). Never admit when you’re wrong and never let doing the right thing get in the way of playing politics.

Narcissism is an occupation for political leaders. You have to have an outsized ambition and an outsized ego to be a politician,think of yourself as master of your own universe and your own set of ethical structures, your own sense of decision-making. If this is you, then you are a bona fide died in the wool tried and true, politician.And if you’re pondering being a politician, and any of the above aren’t you, then you will never ever be a politician.

Sceret Squirrel,
MRL,MP(Dunny On The Wold),
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

Secret Squirrel Reveals Historical Election Success Methods

Here Secret Squirrel makes serious recommendations on exactly how to win an election,all’s fair in love and war they say, but so too is it at election time as long as you don’t get caught. Here outlined are the tried and true,proven to be working and workable rules,for politics,for politicians, for getting elected as revived from the depths of the history of elections,most noticably across the pond ,in America(Read Britain), specifically noted as being Ye Anciente And Olde Rules For Getting Elected in Chicago(Read London).Take note that making use of all of these rules, guidelines, what have you, will have utterly devastating results for you,but what the heck, once you’re elected, you’re King of all things, just look at the Senators who rule the roost,until they loose their seat,but you won’t,will you……

1. Cemetery Voters: Read the obituaries every day. One must keep track of everyone who dies, so that they can be registered in the appropriate cemetery precinct. We have voters in the Mt. Olive Cemetery (Read any large local one)who have been voting for 100 years. Relatives will often assist as keeping the dead voter on the rolls also keeps the Social Security(Read Dole) checks coming in. If you know of someone who used to live in Chicago and who died, they are still eligible to vote.

2. Homeless Voters: Register the homeless at the Cook County Courthouse(Read suitable local) instead of General Delivery. All they have to do is hang out at the courthouse one day a year to claim residency. Then round them up and give them free cigarettes to vote. We used to give them bottles of wine, but they couldn’t remember to vote our way.

3. Nursing Home Voters: Early (or absentee) voting has greatly expanded our capabilities of increasing the turnout. Take bags full of early ballots to nursing homes, and get everyone in the home to vote…especially the Alzheimer’s cases.

4. College Students: College kids like to screw the system, and they’ll vote more than once just for the sheer pleasure of it.

5. Voters Who Have Moved: Voters who have moved often can vote in the precinct where they used to live, and then in their new precinct. They will not be on the rolls in the new precinct, so they’ll vote a “Questioned Ballot”. Not to worry. When the ballot is questioned after the election, we will have our political hacks permit the votes to be counted.

6. Voters Passing Through O’Hare(Read Heathrow): Many votes can be obtained by soliciting voter registration at our airports. They are legally residents of Chicago, at least for a few minutes.

7. Motor Voters: Take license plate numbers of out-of-state(Read County) cars passing through on the freeways, run them through DMV to get their addresses, and automatically register them in Chicago. Then vote them. They won’t know, since they actually live in Wyoming.

8. Illegal Aliens: Some of our most reliable voters are the thousands of illegal aliens we have in the city. In exchange for not telling INS where they live or work, one can get a solid block of votes.The utility of this has increased in leaps and bound in recent years on both sides of the puddle.

9. Newborns: Our children are more and more precocious, so we register them at birth. Maternity wards are some of our best precincts.

10. Recount The Votes: In the unlikely event our candidates don’t win the first count, then demand a recount. Fill the recount room with loyal supporters, and tow away the cars belonging to the enemy. If you can’t win a recount, then you are not a Chicago Democrat.

Secret Squirrel’s Secret 22 Point Plan To Win Election.

Secret Squirrel outlines for you, shares with you, the known political ins and outs, the secrets of effective political campaign engineering as is being constantly applied by existing wannabe and incumbent politicians,see for yourself the truths,the facts, the very stuff effective electioneering is made of.Take heed and you too can and will be elected.

1. Always try and read the opposing political person’s mind. Never wait until the other person(or country) explains itself.If that fails, try the Ouija board.

2. Judge before you are judged.

3. Never give the other side the benefit of the doubt.

4. Always jump to conclusions.

5. Never seek any outside assistance.

6. What you say is what you mean, even if that isn’t so.

7. Change your mind randomly and without notice.

8. Always treat the other side like they were mentally deficient if not criminally insane.

9. Impute evil intentions to every act of the other.

10. When all else fails, do not respond at all.

11. There are two possible meanings to everything, if in doubt, explain that they took it the wrong way.

12. Launch a public relations campaign disputing your opponent.

13. Predict dire economic consequences, and ignore the cost benefits.

14. Find and pay a respected scientists to argue persuasively against incumbent government environmental policies.

15. Use non-peer reviewed scientific publications or industry-funded scientists who don’t publish original peer-reviewed scientific work to support your point of view on matters of public health and environment.

16. Trumpet discredited scientific studies and myths supporting your points of view as scientific fact.

17. Point to the substantial scientific uncertainty, and the certainty of economic loss if immediate action is taken with respect to problems.

18. Use data from a local area to support your views, and ignore the global evidence.

19. Disparage scientists, saying they are playing up uncertain predictions of doom in order to get research funding when encountering global warming issues.

20. Complain that it is unfair to require regulatory action in Britain, as it would put the nation at an economic disadvantage.

21. Claim that more research is needed before action should be taken on things to do with public Health and Safety.

22. Argue that it is less expensive to live with the effects of global warming,climate change.

Secret Squirrel.

MRL,(MP,Dunny On The Wold),

Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering

Secret Squirrel On Things of Political Atmospherics

Well now, the MRL and Secret Squirrel,et all,are hardly full of air, hot or otherwise, but engineeringwise, we know how to generate a cyclone of interest in our engineering projects. Indeed, as we proceed in modern times with our backsides to the future, it was to posterity that we looked forward,and in that hindsight,found a new method of transportation technology that has fallen by the wayside,one that was most definately not pulled out of a clown’s duff, but a viable,proven to be working both in theory and in practice,as also proven by The Great Engineer, Ishambard Kingdom Brunel, and here as we see another mind of greatness,Alfred Ely Beach.Obviously we cannot allow this to go unnoticed but must move forwards by taking steps backwards and applying this technology to subway(tube system, metro to you frenchman who can’t seem to find the Tube for some strange reason), and also to above ground transportation as it was intended to do, by men of great vision and foresight, the engineering plans dashed by men of futuristic hindsight who saw to it’s failure.

The great engineer, Isambard Kingdom Brunel was converted to atmospheric or pneumatic railways, first mooted in 1810, after witnessing a demonstration in Ireland in September 1844. The system, which had been patented in 1838, entailed the use of a cast-iron tube laid between rails, to which carriages were attached by a valve. Pumping stations powered by steam engines at the side of the track forced air out of the tubes, thereby creating a vacuum to one side of the carriages and an “atmosphere” to the other, thus propelling them along.

The Alfred Ely Beach Pneumatic Railway was New York City’s earliest subway. It had a single station located in the basement of the house located at the corner of Warren Street and Broadway.Passengers were carried in a car pushed forward by the pneumatic pressure generated by a huge fan. At the end of the tunnel, near Murray Street, the car stopped. The rotation of the fan was reversed and the car was “sucked” back to Warren Street station.

I too, have been converted to atmospheric plans so intend to revive the genius of these two Great Engineers and combine it with my own grand engineering techniques. A major problem with the systems was the generation and loss of air it seems.There was a lot of sucking and blowing,all round and about,but it was lossy. Of course modern technology can be applied to solve these lossy gas problems. Also the method of generation of air was not up to standards even in those days. Nowadays we have all learned, politicians axed the plans of these great men and they were were in themselves, the politicians of course,full of hot air,full of the air of nothing. Knowing this, I shall apply these political failures to become great successes. In short, we need air, politicians generate air, and also, let me tell you, politicians really suck. By stationing each operating day, politicians suitably in stations at each end of the system, there they can read their long winded speeches with the air of nothing, at one end they will blow out their hot air, and at the other, we will have the lot who really suck. By having mixed sets at each end, one set of each, and suitably having one set blowing air at one end, and at the destination end we will the set who really suck working…………..so we will move our passenger cars through the system.
We will never be at a loss for air for the system, never at a loss for the great sucking and blowing required. So too will modern politicians be made to work for the people,a task that the people have here to for, thought utterly impossible.

Secret Squirrel,

MRL,

Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.